The Detroit Free Press Would Like Your Thoughts About Celebrity Tits

Not since Schaefer and Elrick blew the lid off the Kilpatrick scandal by obtaining all those salacious text messages has the Detroit Free Press delivered a hard-hitting story sure to impact the lives of Metro Detroiters for generations to come. The Freep has just now uncovered that Lupita Nyong'o's rack is awesome, but Lena Dunham's isn't.

In a story sure to win the Freep's 10th Pulitzer — you guys next door at the News might as well pack it in now and not wait for the JOA to expire — features reporter Georgea Kovanis, who bravely described her struggle with judging women based on their underwear, goes deep into the ever-mysterious world of women's cleavage.

Because lesbians don't exist, Kovanis spoke to a number of heteronormative "breast experts" about how women can better use their cleavage to attract the attention of men. It's one of the more pressing issues for women in Metro Detroit, right up there with making sure their newborns don't die:

Cleavage also attracts the attention of many men. And no matter how feminist their leanings, most women get a certain charge, a certain power from using their femininity to catch a man's eye or, in some cases, using it as a form of Kryptonite.

"How many women have gotten out of a parking ticket or a speeding ticket because they were wearing a low-cut top?" said Dale. "Think of women in the service industry who are using cleavage in the cocktail lounge" to increase their tips. "If you're in a job that calls for you being an attractive female and using your femininity, one way to use that is by showing some cleavage."

Not even fellow Freepster Zlati Meyer talking about "dick pics" on "The Craig Fahle Show" could top this deep-dive into the wonders of the human body.

According to the Freep, the following chicks have great tits: the aforementioned Nyong'0, Oprah Winfrey (they're "classic"), Amy Adams, Michelle Dockery and Kelly Osborne. These tits aren't so great: Dunham, Malin Akerman, Nina Dobrev, Kristen Bell (isn't she from Huntington Woods? Way to bully a hometown girl, Freep!) and Heidi Klum.

To give this story that extra edge to make sure MLive doesn't sweep the Michigan Press Association awards again next year, there's a poll where you — yes, you, you valuable reader! — can rate the following tit-owners: Zoe Saldana, Taylor Swift, Sofia Vergara, Kate Mara, Kerry Washington, Helen Mirren, and almost all of the women listed above.

Feminism and journalism, you just never know what happens when these two intersect.